A Letter to Your Husbands

May 3, 2020

Note to reader: The following is best read aloud in a proper British accent. If that does not come naturally, a Scottish accent shall do just fine. The message herein is intended for your wedded love and requires his undivided attention. There must be no distractions as they will but cloud his mind.

Dearest Gentleman,

I come to you bearing a gift if you so choose to accept it. Your bride has been instructed to deliver this message to you.  It is by her mere trust in me that she lends me your ear. 

I urge you to follow these instructions precisely as I lay them out, do not veer.  Once the kids are tucked in, you must hurry to the bedroom for what is to come next. For tonight, you will discover the powers of Netflix to take you on a journey unlike any other.  You will likely slip back into your habit of mindlessly scrolling through the endless selection. Do not fall into temptation and be derailed by foolishness such as Tiger King or your favorite pastime of watching trailers of movies you’ve watched ten times, including the likes of Uncle Buck and Caddie Shack.

I beg of you to stay focused as it is Outlander that you are in search of.  Yes, this is the key that will unlock powers in the bedroom you haven’t seen since sophomore year of college when your beloved still shaved her legs for you.

I recognize that the series has passed moons of many seasons.  If you too are behind in the magical ways of binge-watching Netflix, then I invite you to open a world you have missed.  If you have already finished the show, I encourage you to start from the beginning with fresh eyes. 

For those of you who ask, what is this Outlander I speak of?

Listen carefully; this is the story of a fascinatingly intelligent Englishwoman by the name of Claire, who has lost her way through time and mistakenly falls in love with Jamie, a breathtaking shirtless Scotsman during the 18th century.

I presume I have lost the majority of you at this point.

BOOBIES!! BOOBIES!!!! BOOBIES!!

There…..now that I have you all back, I will assure you there is violence to keep you intrigued, and if it is the boobies you long for, you will be rewarded plenty.  I liken the story to Braveheart meets The Notebook.  I presume both movies got you laid so you can only imagine the powers at play here.  Tread softly, or you are sure to screw it up. 

It will be slow-moving at times, and you may slip into a deep slumber as episode six is absent of the aforementioned bosoms. Sleeping is acceptable if only done in complete silence. For your snoring will surely agitate her, and you risk her watching straight into episode seven without your knowing.  If you sleep through this episode, she may choose not to wake you.  You will surely regret this as your quest will have come to an unfortunate end. 

If you are skilled in the art of patience, there will come a time when the dear Claire’s bosom will bead of sweat in eager anticipation of the long-desired first touch. Slowly, the Scotsman unties her white silken corset, loop by loop. At this moment, your wife has forgotten to blink or possibly even to breathe.  You may remind her to do so if you wish.

Just as Jamie is finally about to have his way with her, she will stop him and ask him about his childhood.  Here is where you will be tempted to throw the remote at the TV and shout, “oh, give me a break! That is some bullshit. Of course, she wants to talk about his childhood now!”

I beg of you to hold fast your foolish tongue. 

You mustn’t speak or regret is sure to follow. For this is not solely a test in your manhood but of your will and determination. If you pass, you will be significantly rewarded upon the wedding night of these two lovers.  If you fail, your bride will turn the TV black, and you will be scorned by her piercing eyes of judgment.

Most cleverly, she will return to the show on her own accord, stealing moments by sending you to the store in a futile search of toilet paper amidst the coronavirus pandemic. This will be for foolishness as she has already secured 25 rolls under the bed.  She will have won the battle, and you undoubtedly lost.

Though, if you are successful in your quest, you will be rewarded immediately. As a side, you may notice her speak in a proper British accent for days on end. This is her subconscious attempt to transport herself into a romantic world free of plastic sippy cups, legos, and the never-ending call of your offspring, “mom, mom, mom, mama, mom, mom, mom, mommy.” 

On those special evenings, I invite you to join in the festive ways and bring your Scottish accent.   But, I head you a warning, do not wonder any further.  You may think it clever to go in search of a kilt on Amazon. You will be successful in your search, however getting laid will come to an abrupt end, and you will be met with laughter of the snorting sort.

Herein I have given you everything you need to know.  Now, go and do exactly as I have asked.   You will likely wish to repay me for my kindness and wisdom.  Repayment is unnecessary as it is my life’s purpose to spread joy, but if you are so inclined, I fancy Grey Goose left at my doorstep.

 

Respectfully yours,

Shea

P.S. Be wary as Netflix’s powers can be used both for good and evil.  I warn you of dark things to come at the end of season one which will most definitely put her in a dreadful mood.  Heed my words; you must skip episode fifteen and sixteen or risk not getting laid for many moons to follow.

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