Dec 15, 2020

Oh, where do I start?

I’ve waited too long to write and now I have too many things I want to talk about that my mind is a jumble of thoughts ready to burst out like a five-year-old with a juicy secret.

I suppose we should start with sex.  Why the hell not? What better way to break the ice and get back in touch with each other?  Wouldn’t you agree?

Let’s back up to 2018 when my sex drive was in the dumps.  It was a combination of circumstances that led to this, but the big one was a complete disconnection in our relationship.  Basically, he was a raging $&#%, and I a throat-burning double shot of anxiety and judgment with a chaser of resentment. We were a hot mess that looked like a perfect marriage.

In addition to relationship issues, I had estrogen levels lower than my grandma.  We fixed the relationship (thanks to PSI) and eventually balanced my hormones.  I’m happy to say we are back on track today. 

So we recently learned that many of our friends take testosterone shots, and Kaveh was eager to get tested due to his weight issues.  My response sounded something like this, ”Oh, hell no!  I can’t handle a louder, hornier, angrier, or more hairy version of you.  Any or all of those combinations will throw me right over the edge.  I don’t need a Teen Wolf in my home, and I don’t need one in my bed.”

Needless to say, he got tested anyway, and to our surprise, he was in the 200s.  The ideal range is 800-900, so he started on supplements and an oral prescription,  as a first-line before the long road of weekly hormone shots. 

For now, this is working and slowly raising his levels.  I am happy to say he hasn’t grown hair from his ears, at least not more than he already had. Though his neck hair does seem to be slowly crawling down his back, but that’s more of a COVID thing. The man just needs a damn haircut.

I know, I know. This is not the sex talk you were hoping for.  You were hoping for some smut.   You were wondering what I might confess 😏.  I’m a classy Scottsdale homeschooling mom, thank you very much. I have a reputation to uphold. I read smut. I don’t write it.  But I can feel your disappointment so let’s dive in a little deeper.

I was talking with a friend of mine, and she was shocked that Kav and I have sex every 5-7 days.   I, in turn, was floored when she confessed they have sex every other day.  Who the hell has time for sex every other day?  Who feels sexy that often?

For her, it isn’t about feeling sexy or in the mood.  Her man needs it that often, so they do it that often.  It’s that simple.  ”We’re finished in under eight minutes, and he is a much nicer guy if he is getting it regularly, ” she explained.  For her husband, it’s a fundamental requirement of their marriage, and she is happy to accommodate.

This looks nothing like our love life, but for them, it works. Ours is less frequent but lasts much, much longer. Who’s to say what is better? Who’s to say what makes a healthy sex life?  

Another friend said, ”We’re doing it once a month if we’re lucky. He doesn’t have a sex drive.”

”Oh man, that sucks,” I replied sympathetically. 

”Ehh 😏, I’m stupid-tired most of the time, so neither of us is left hanging.  If you know what I mean.”

Then there’s the couple who has wall-shaking sex that would make a dirty novel seem like a Dr.Suess book, but then they won’t have it for another three weeks.  The stories that come out of that bedroom are both hilarious and make me squeamish.  They give it their all, then store it up like camels.

My sister says lesbian sex is a two to three-hour event.  Three hours! 😳 Don’t these ladies have day jobs?  As women, we pride ourselves on being faster than men.  We typically move faster. We talk faster. I would even say we think faster.  However, this is one category that the men take the gold medal. 🥇

I’m convinced this is a key reason for the short spikey hairstyle.  Nobody can have 2 hours of morning sex and still have time for a blow-out before getting to work (that’s blowout, not blowjob, we’re still on lesbian sex, stay with me). By sheer necessity, these ingenious women have evolved their sex-bed-head into their trendy spikey hairstyle. Clever ladies……very very clever.  🤔

Not that they are asking my advice, but there are some shortcuts we straight women can teach them if they are open to suggestions and want to cut that time in half.  With that said, studies reveal that lesbian sex results in 15% more orgasms, so I suppose I should shut my pie hole.

It seems so taboo to talk about frequency. Nobody knows what ”normal” is, and nobody wants to find out that they aren’t cutting it in their bedroom duties.  I think it’s out of fear of not wanting to find out if we are broken.   And if we are broken, then what would it take to get fixed? Would we need a new partner, a different gender, DD batteries, viagra, kegel exercises, or to sell the kids?

There is nothing I hate more than kegel exercises.  A wise woman once told me that she religiously does Kegels at stoplights.  I’d stop f’ing driving. That’s what I would do. That or run a ton of red lights.

Kaveh’s drive is much stronger than mine. But for the record, I like to think I look pretty damn good naked.  I’ve gained weight since COVID but at least some of it has gone to my boobs.  For that reason, Kaveh feels like 2020 has still been a win. 😂

He’s funnier than me, genuinely more likable, saves lives, and is an excellent provider.  But I look better naked.  It’s just a fact. I proudly win that one, and consequently, it ups his sex drive.

Like many women, I need time to warm up to the idea of lovemaking. My brain doesn’t turn off at night.  I’m thinking about the kids, bills, and global warming right until the moment I close my eyes to sleep. 

Trump and his shenanigans can be to blame for the lull over the last few months.  CNN makes for awful soft-porn.  I suggest turning off your phones and tv at night. Unless it’s to watch Jamie Frasier from Outlander move hay-bales (read May 3rd).  That show easily increased our sex life threefold.

I suppose the question isn’t how frequently, how long, or how adventurous the lovemaking is but whether you are connecting with your partner and genuinely enjoying it. So just keep on doing what you’re doing.  Unless you aren’t doing it at all. Then yes, you need to have a conversation with your partner or you could just promptly sell the kids.  I can say that confidently because I have well over zero hours of marriage and sex therapy training.  So you really should listen to me. 

I’ve given you some of my thoughts. Now it’s your turn. You’re an adult, don’t be shy.  What do you think makes or breaks a healthy love life?

Your friend, 




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