Jan 6, 2021

Don’t you think pants are funny things? I’ve come to realize that you can tell a lot about a woman by her pants. 

In recent years I have come across two very unique breeds of women.  LuLaRoe ladies and Lululemon ladies. I will be transparent and state right now that I am a 🍋 Lemon lady, tried and true.

For my loyal male readers who are scratching your heads right now, I am happy to explain in detail what these two things are. 

Theoretically, they could go by many names; stretchy pants, tights, yoga pants, leggings.  Basically, they are the pants your wife wore for the majority of 2020.  By definition, you would assume they are virtually the same thing, but that couldn’t be further from the actual truth. 

Lululemons are overpriced athletic wear found in your upscale malls.  You will never find these gems hiding in the racks at TJ Maxx.  Oh no, that would be like finding a Dewalt drill next to the nose clippers in the men’s gift area.  Nothing discounted about these pants, nope.  These babies will put you back $95-120 a piece.  Yah, I know, ridiculous…….and worth every shiny penny, in my opinion. 

Some Lemon ladies have yet to purchase a pair.   This can be chaulked up to sheer fiscal intelligence.  They consciously choose to own other versions of your basic lycra workout leggings.  Nonetheless, they would be pleasantly surprised if they woke to a pair of Lemons on their birthday 🎁, whereas a LulaRoe gift would be greeted with a most awkward,  “Thanks, I always wanted a pair of green and navy chevron pants. How did you know?”  Therefore we will classify them as honorary Lemon Ladies.

They are solid colors with seam-lines that contour the female body in just the right spots, creating an illusion of definition where there should be definition or, should I say, an ass where there should be an ass.  (Many Lululemon ladies lack any resemblance of an ass, this is not true of LuLaRoe ladies).

One must properly break in a new pair of Lemons.  They feel similar to a pair of Spanx the first time you squeeze yourself into them.  But within a week’s time, they have loosened ever so slightly, and we regain our ability to breathe and pass gas once again. 

We buy these intending to go to yoga or running.  Some Lemon ladies actually do these activities.  I tip my hat to you overachievers.   I justify wearing them by stretching to touch my toes while waiting for my toast or chasing the dog down the street.  (Our dog has no desire to be part of our family, but like the rest is us, she has no choice)

These sexy, little stretchies suck in every ripple of cellulite that a woman like myself could ever wish to hide.  In some symbolic manner, we feel pulled together; this is a common desire for the Lululemon lady.   We seek to have control in life and unconsciously believe our pants can assist in that illusion. 

Some Lemons (specifically Scottsdale Lemons) are guilty of putting Botox in their face then gawking when their husband dares to come home with pesticide-laden strawberries. 😂

Our homes are clean, except for that one closet where we quickly throw stuff before guests come over.  Some Lululemon ladies are guilty of rarely having friends over.   This is due to the unrealistic expectation they put on themselves to have a perfectly clean home. These are not my favorite of the breed. 

A lemon gal tends to decorate the main Christmas tree in stunning jewel-tone reds and sparkling golds.  She’s likely to have a second smaller tree for the kids because the glitter and popsicle sticks of the handmade ornaments clash with the living room decor. Which would damper her holiday cheer. 😂 

I don’t posses all the traits of the breed but that’s a humorous observation of a Lemon lady in a nutshell.  Now, on the other hand, there are LuLaRoe ladies, a very different woman, no less crazy and wonderful.

The pants come in all sizes and a mind-boggling variety of striking patterns and colors.  They make a clear statement as if to say, “Nobody puts Baby in a corner.”  This is fitting as these ladies love their 80s movies. 

They can only be purchased through a friend who has somehow got herself into their pyramid scheme in the hopes of becoming rich.  This has likely not happened as they run under $30 a pair.

Are you still having a hard time picturing LuLaRoes? I invite you to come on a fun visual journey if you would like. 

Sit back in a comfortable position.  Now, in your mind’s eye, put on your favorite cozy socks with the crazy patterns.  Begin to imagine that these socks slowly start creeping up over your knees, then your thighs, and around your butt.  They finally stop their journey at your waist.  Slowly turn to look at yourself in your imaginary mirror. You are now wearing a pair of the beloved LuLaRoes.  

I can’t deny, these are buttery soft to the touch, lemons are more slinky.  A LuLaRoe lady can be seen caressing her own legs as a form of self-soothing, whereas a Lemon lady can be caught glancing at her backside in the mirror.

But I will tell you; these LuLaRoe ladies are loyal fans.  The pants symbolize their desire to live unapologetically, free from society’s constraints.  They embrace the courageous patterns and seek to acquire a wide variety.  Many believe these sock-pants pair with many things in their wardrobe. This is simply not true but talking them out of this is a futile battle that you will undoubtedly lose.  I’ve tried. 🙄

There are few interior designers in this bunch, but the great thing about them is that their home is an open door. They are not the type to hide anything or put on a false appearance.  What you see is what you get.  If you bring the wine, they will gladly pull you up a chair. 

These ladies have one gigantic marvel of a Christmas Tree wherein every branch tells tales of family adventures, and the fridge is adorned with cherished artwork.

The lemon gal is the type to buy matching kitchen utensils that coordinate with the kitchen’s esthetics. The LuLaRoe gal has no idea 🤔what in the hell I just said.  She uses the spatula that actually works. It may have melted a bit on the handle, but it’s the best for flipping pancakes. 

A LuLaRoe mom has children who are either young and want a pair to match their sparkly rainbow shoes or older and slightly embarrassed when mom wears her teal and fuscia star pants outside the home.  This means nothing to her. She couldn’t give a rat’s ass if her kid is embarrassed by her.  This is my favorite trait they possess. 

There are the occasional few who toggle between the two worlds.  Unicorns, if you will. These are exceptionally unique characters and a lot of fun to drink with.

Indeed there are beautiful souls found in both groups of ladies.  I personally make it my intention to surround myself with a variety of both.

I suppose the unicorns who toggle between the two have achieved enlightenment.  They have found a balance between perfectionism and being uniquely themselves. 

We all know it’s not about the pants you’re in, but whether or not you like the person you see in the mirror each morning.  No matter which kind of lady you are, I hope you are proud of that lady.  I hope you have come to love her and honor her for the journey that has brought her here.

Your friend,

Shea

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