On Being Bathing Suit Ready

Jun 14, 2021

 

 

 

The scorching heat of the Arizona summer is upon us, bringing with it bathing suit season. A friend recently said she was nowhere near being bathing suit ready. I question what the concept of being bathing suit “ready” really means?

Does it mean we have finally lost the ten pounds we put on after the holidays, and the cellulite on our thighs has kindly agreed to retreat until winter?

Does it mean we’ve made it through the humbling agony of the summer Brazilian bikini wax?

But, here’s the real question: who are the judges of our “suit” ability?

I’m a tall, thin-set woman with an appreciation for healthy food. This gives me a 33″ leg up. However, I have an equal appreciation for cocktails and believe pool time pairs quite nicely with mojitos and tortilla chips which negates the quinoa and kale salad I ate for lunch.

Nursing babies for four years has endowed me with breasts that look fantastic in a bikini but give an Oscar-worthy Houdini impression when lying down. I have a small soft belly like that of a half-risen loaf of dough. I have jiggly thighs and varicose veins that look as though my child took to the back of my legs with a Bic pen. I lack any real hips but instead have love handles positioned just above where said hips should reside. The combination is the culprit of my sagging pants and infamous butt crack. I would put money on it that my asscrack is sticking out the back of this swimsuit. I have an exceptionally long crack (thanks, dad)

While changing in my closet last week, my six-year-old daughter walks up to me and notices my love handles popping out over the back of my jeans I had just managed to squeeze on. She pokes them with her fingers and says, “Mommy, why do you have these?”

“Because I carried you in my belly,” I replied. This was a total lie as I have had love handles since I was 19. But, it’s important to let our babes know that motherhood brings changes to your body that are perfectly natural. It’s also crucial that they feel a little guilty about it.

She looks at me with her finger on her chin and declares, “Hmm, that’s it. I’ve decided I’m gonna adopt my babies. Then, I don’t have to have those things stick out of my pants, and I also don’t have to let a boy touch my vagina.” She then walks away and hollers back at me. “You better not make us late for school, Mom.”

With all this said, I am damn proud of my body and believe I look pretty hot in a bikini. In fact, with a good spray tan and the proper bathroom lighting, the hubby is likely to be treated to what Joey Tribiani would call a “How you doin?” pic. This is an extraordinary way to spice up his morning rounds at the hospital. I’m just waiting for the day a nurse answers his phone for him while he’s elbows deep in someone’s belly. That’s gonna be a moment we can add to our list of awkward situations.

 

The world has become an extraordinarily odd place. Nowadays, you’ll find that skinny bodies come with boobs of all shapes and sizes thanks to the damn plastic surgeons putting a new and improved perky pair on women from 18 to 50 years old.

To those ladies who have recently stopped nursing and have saggy, empty boobs, I promise you they plump back up. Just give them time, and don’t try to be a size six. Natural breasts don’t come unless you have some meat on your bones.

Here’s a little secret I want to share with you. Now, pay attention because this can be life-changing. Here it goes; men like any boobs so long as they’re attached to a smiling face. It’s true. It’s kind of the same outlook they have on pizza. There is good pizza and great pizza, and both are gonna make them happy.

Living in Scottsdale, a woman can definitely feel the pressure to look like she’s in her 30’s long into her 50’s. There’s a myriad of ways she could strive to achieve this, like diets, Botox, lash extensions, spray tans, face peels, micro-needling, highlights, lowlights, boob jobs, and tummy tucks, along with plumpers and fillers galore. Personally, I’m a sucker for a sun-kissed spray tan and highlights that would have you wondering if I spent the last month laying on a beach. Bonus- neither require recovery time and are pretty cost-effective.

But I’ve begun to notice something that has me perplexed; it’s not the men setting the bar even higher for women. Damned if you wouldn’t believe it’s actually women raising the bar, and sadly the thing seems to elevate each passing year. How high will the bar be for our daughters?

Of course, I like to look my best, and on some occasions, this coincides with feeling my best. But I’m no fool; the size of my jeans does not determine my happiness and confidence. I weighed in this morning at a solid 164 lbs. That’s a good 18 lbs more than I did just two years ago, yet I am happier and more confident than ever.

So let it be known if you ask me if I’m swimsuit ready, the answer is yes.

Yes, I am ready to go to the beaches of Mexico with you.

Yes, I will come to your house and sit poolside, drinking Chardonnay while the kids play all…day…long.

Yes, I will take a hike with you to find that hidden, hot spring and sit naked in all our glory.

Yes, yes, yes. Any time of the year, with any friend, the answer will be yes. Unless you ask me to go on a run, then the answer will always be, “hell to the no!”

So here’s your assignment, and you may think it’s a doozy. List your two favorite and one least favorite features in the comments below.

Friends, you will find that it’s more challenging to list the features you like than those you don’t like. We have a hard time receiving compliments, even from ourselves.

Go ahead; I give you permission to put it out there and join the movement of women loving ourselves wholeheartedly

 

Your friend,

Shea

 

 

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