Wanna Hear the Scabies Story?

Sep 23, 2020

You heard the lice story, but have you heard my scabies story?  Oh, it’s a good one.  Grab a drink and some Benadryl for the itching that will undoubtedly ensue.  No, I’m not kidding.  You really will want one of those two.

So, I woke a couple of weeks back with little vampire bites on my hand and thigh.  They looked like two fangs had chomped down on me.  I had just purchased a down feather comforter and concluded that it came with a stowaway.  I promptly returned it to Kohls, proudly showing them my bites.   They agreed to burn it in the inferno.  🔥

The next day I was lounging around with my sister when I began to scratch my arm.

“Shea, what’s happening?  Look at your arm.  Something is trying to eat you alive,” sister cried out with a look of horror on her face.

I looked down to see my arm covered in bumps.  Over the next 72 hours, these bites spread all over my body, eventually turning into blisters that oozed puss and itched to high heaven. 

It was time to turn to Google for some good ole fashioned self-diagnosis.  This was a mistake. I suggest you not search the words pink, oozing, blisters, and pussey together.  Apparently, pussey is not the adjective for puss-filled or even a real word for that matter.  Do not google this word, especially not with the aforementioned adjectives. I regret this, I regret it deeply.

After scrolling through various disturbing images, we concluded that I had scabies.

“Scabies!  😳What’s that?”  you ask. 

Oh, let me tell you, my friend.  They are highly contagious mites that burrow under your skin and lay their eggs.  Two to four weeks later, these assholes surprise you by hatching.  It’s the itty bitty babies and their feces that cause the horrendous itching and blisters. Yes, you may now commence vomiting. 

A couple of weeks back, we stayed at a fascinating Airbnb, owned by a gentleman who reminded me of The Dude from The Big Lebowski. We were transporting back to the 1930s, complete with a gypsy wagon in the front yard and a Ford Model A in the carriage house.  Amusing as the house was, I found myself concerned when he told me he cleaned the home himself.  Hmm,🤔 maybe that $50 cleaning fee should have tipped me off.

I cry out to my sister, “Just my luck. I’m quarantining, and still manage to get both lice and scabies.  This is absolute bullshit!”

Being the good sister she is, she listened on with loving eyes while slowly scooting her chair farther and farther away from me. 

It was Saturday, and the dermatologists were closed, so Kaveh calls me in a scabies prescription.  I slather the pesticide lotion from top to bottom, getting every nook and cranny.  I’m a naturalist who doesn’t believe in pesticides…..that is until the pests decide to live under my skin.  At that point, I was ready to dip myself into a pesticide bath.  Hell, top it with some parabens and red food dye, and I’ll make a critter ridder cocktail out of it. 🍹

Monday finally came, and I began calling the doctors’ offices. Meanwhile, my loving sister was quickly packing her bags to get the hell out of dodge.

Receptionist #1: Thank you for calling Arizona Dermatologists.

Me:  Hi, I need an appointment.  I believe I have scurvy.

Sister (off in the distance):  You’re not a pirate, you idiot! You have SCAAABBIES.

Me:   I’m sorry. I mean, I have scabies.

Receptionist #1:  We aren’t taking any rashes as they can be associated with COVID.  Please contact your primary care doctor.

Me:  My primary is my gyno. You want me to go to my gyno and tell them my dermatologist is no longer taking rashes? 🤔

Receptionist #1:  Yup

 ☎️  CLICK!

Receptionist #2:  Thank you for calling Clear Dermatology.

Me:  Hi, I believe I have scabies. When is your next available appointment?

Receptionist #2:  What day of the week works best for you? 

Me:  Excuse me?

Receptionist #2:   Well, honey, do you prefer mornings or afternoons?

Me:  Excuse me?🤨

Receptionist #2:  Well, it looks like our first opening is in three weeks.

Me:   Honey, I have bugs laying eggs under my skin. I’m gonna be seen today even if that means I drive to Mexico to see a dermatologist.

Receptionist #2:   So would you prefer one at 1:15 today?

Me:  Ummm, ya!🙄

I was finally, at the doctor’s office and the medical assistant says, “wow, I’ve never seen anything like this before.”  Now, I imagine he has seen some gross things.   So, like Ryann and her lice, I took pride in being the weirdest thing he has seen for a while.  The pride was short-lived.

Moments later, the doctor came in with a mask and gloves on and, with a concerned voice, says, “This isn’t scabies, but it is strange. I’m gonna take a couple of biopsies to rule out autoimmune disorders and viruses.”

They take a chunk of my arm and a piece of my thigh and send me out the door. 

Well, I suppose it was good news in a way, as scabies is highly contagious, but the alternative didn’t look good either. 

Nine days go by, and finally, the doctor calls.  The lab confirmed it was the work of an arthropod 🕷 , but they could not identify the exact type.  Either way, the itching, and oozing had stopped, and Kaveh was willing to share a bed with me again. 

I am now on a first-name basis with the owner of Urban Pest Control and have seriously considered circus tenting the house to be fumigated. All I have had left now is few trophy scars to remember the summer by.

Well played, 2020…….well played, you little asshole.

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